Why Wait to Have Sex in Marriage? A man’s perspective…

Some wait for sex… Why? There’s a saying that goes, “The best plan is to profit by the folly of others…” That’s what this article is about. I want to share with you a few things I’ve learned — the hard way — concerning girls & relationships. Specifically, I’ve jotted down eight reasons why I’m now waiting until marriage to have sex…

1) I now know that sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be…

During my sexpades in high school & a bit in campus, I remember having an experience that I referred to as a “love hangover.” After being with a girl, the next morning I always felt an emptiness. I was so empty & almost suicidal. Media told me sex was the in thing & that i would get fulfillment. WHAT A BUNCH OF LIARS!!! That’s something you won’t see on TV or in the movies, but it happens a lot. There was emptiness, even regret, afterwards.

The “love hangover” was a strange occurrence for me. Mainly because sex was my “god.” As a male, it’s what I thought about morning, noon & night. So you would imagine that having sex would have been completely fulfilling — the crowning achievement in the worship of my “god.” And yet, there was always a lack of fulfillment afterwards.

Has that been your experience, too? Have you ever had a “love hangover”? If you have, you should stop and consider, “Why is that? Why is it that sex, if it’s so important to me, leaves me with an empty feeling?”

I remember being confused by this emptiness. I then concluded: “I just need more, that’s all.” (We often think this way about stuff we hope will fulfill us, then doesn’t, e.g. we get the car we’ve always wanted but then it’s just “okay” after awhile. Instead of realizing that a car can’t really satisfy us, we usually make the error of thinking, “Well, I guess that wasn’t the right car. A different one will give me lasting fulfillment.”)

But the emptiness continued. So, finally, I came to the conclusion that premarital sex wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It gets too much hype. It’s not what the movies make it out to be. If it were, it would be completely fulfilling. There wouldn’t be any “emptiness.”

2) I now want to be more honorable toward women…

I’ve found that girls often don’t fully understand what’s going on when it comes to sex, i.e. their perspective on the whole thing is very different from a guy’s. Often a girl will justify sex by saying, “But I love him,” even if she doesn’t really want to go through with it. Why does that happen? It’s been said that, “Girls use sex to get love, guys use love to get sex.”

This is how it works: the girl is picturing marrying the guy some day; the guy is picturing everything he wants to do with the girl before he goes back to tell his buddies about it & while something inside her is telling her it’s the right thing to do, something inside the guy is telling him just the opposite, yet he proceeds. Why? For the physical pleasure no doubt, but also, I think, for another reason: it makes him feel like a man. But there is a great irony in that, for what is manly about deceiving a woman?

Something I’ve discovered is that, when you honor a woman, you are honoring yourself. Why? Because someday you will have regret & the regret will last much longer than the pleasure. In the movie Rob Roy, the main character says, “Honor is a gift a man gives himself.” When you honor a woman by doing what you know to be right in your heart (i.e. what’s in her best interest), you honor yourself & insure that you will have no long-lasting regrets to live with.

3) That’s somebody else’s wife…

Here’s what I mean: most of the girls I’ve been with are now married to other men. When I put myself in the shoes of those men, I wish that I hadn’t done what I’ve done. In fact, I might even like to punch myself in the nose for it.

And so it goes without saying that when I get married, I’m not going to like the idea that someone else has had his way with my wife. What about you? Do you like the idea of someone else being with your wife? If you have a girlfriend now & feel that way, think of how much stronger that feeling will be with your wife someday.

You can even take it a step further. That girl is someone’s daughter. What if she were my daughter? Or what if she were my sister? Would I want some guy like me taking advantage of her? I now see girls from a different perspective. They’re someone else’s future wife, someone else’s daughter, sister, etc.

4) Sex has killed my best relationships…

For example, I now have a college sweetheart and now things are so thick between us & fear we might break up & be heart broken just because we had sex before marriage. I really love her & I pray day & night that we do not break up. I LOVE HER SO MUCH, the girl of my dreams. With her, there was never a dull moment. We totally “clicked.” We waited for awhile, then, through my initiation, we started having sex.

Sex soon became the focus of our relationship. I stopped wanting to get to know her on any other level. So, instead of growing closer together, we actually started drifting apart.

That’s what I mean by “sex killed my best relationships.” People can relate on many different levels — emotionally, mentally, physically & spiritually. But when my girlfriend and I started relating mostly physically, it short-circuited the other parts of our relationship. As a result, the relationship as a whole started to go south. We might still be together today if we had waited.

I’ve seen this happen with countless relationships, not just others of my own, but those of many other people. And I think there’s a reason for this, which I’ll explain next.

5) Sex before marriage ruins the other parts of the relationship…

For me, two things happened once I had sex with a girl. As I look back on it, I can say that they happened literally every time, although I was unaware of these dynamics at the time.

The two things were this:
1) I lost respect for the girl (even though I didn’t want to).
2) She began to mistrust me (even though she didn’t want to).

I don’t know why this happened, I just know that it did. Maybe it’s just built into “the system.” But one thing’s for sure: I’m not alone. I’ve seen it happen over and over again. I know many people having marital problems because they engaged in premarital sex. They go into the marriage with lack of respect & lack of trust, two absolute necessities for the health of any marriage.

I know a newlywed couple who have sex less than once a month because of this — he doesn’t respect her, she knows it & she doesn’t trust him, so she doesn’t want to give herself to him. It’s very sad & more common than you might think but nobody talks about this kind of thing in public. The movie & TV portrayals of couples having sex before marriage never present it either. It’s like no one wants to acknowledge that it’s happening, even though it is.

6) Waiting to have sex with my wife will mean better sex in my marriage…

Why? Because we’ll go into the marriage with me having more respect for her & her having more trust in me. One thing I’ve learned: if a girl doesn’t trust a guy, she doesn’t want to give herself wholly to him. Deep down, she doesn’t really enjoy being with him.

This is how it works. Since “girls use sex to get love, and guys use love to get sex,” a couple will have sex before marriage. The girl does this to hold on to the relationship. The guy does it because he wants it even more than the relationship itself. Then, after the marriage, the woman has what she wants: a commitment from the man. So she doesn’t need to use sex to get him anymore.

And, because she may be harboring resentment because he had sex with her before they were married, she is now not interested in sex. And the guy — who doesn’t treasure his wife because of the sex before marriage — still wants sex but not as a total bonding experience with his wife. It’s just sex, which she figures out. So, there is a lousy sex life in the marriage.

I’m not making this stuff up. Now that I’m out of college & many people around me are getting married, I’m seeing it happen all the time. The antidote: waiting for marriage to have sex will give the man a greater respect for his wife & the woman a greater respect for her husband & consequently, they’ll have better & more frequent sex because they respect each other more & love each other more deeply.

7) Not having sex with other women will mean better sex in my marriage…

Sex is a mysterious thing that causes a deep bond between people, even if we call it “casual.” The problem is this: the more I bond with other girls, the less I’ll be able to bond with my future wife. It’s like a piece of scotch tape — the more you use it on different surfaces, the less it sticks to things. After awhile, it won’t stick to anything.

If I bond with other girls before I get married, I won’t be able to bond as well with my wife someday. I won’t cherish her as much as I could have, and consequently I won’t love her as much as I could have. Each day that passes that I’ve remained faithful to my future wife means that my relationship with her will be better.

It’s a funny thing: our culture decries adultery, yet it freely condones premarital sex, even with multiple partners. That’s ironic. Because, if you take the element of time out of the equation, premarital sex is adultery. We can imagine how adultery would greatly injure a marriage relationship, maybe premarital sex actually has nearly the same result. It injures the potential bond between a man and a woman.

8) I don’t have to sleep with a woman to know if we’re “sexually compatible.”

Sex is meant to compliment a relationship, not be the most important aspect of it. That’s what I’ve found out. It’s supposed to be the icing on the cake when all the other aspects of your relationship are working well.

I’ve come to understand that the sex will be good if the rest of the relationship is good. That’s why I know I don’t have to sleep with my future wife to find out if we’re sexually compatible. If we get along in every other area, the sex will be fine.

Something else needs to said here. Another thing I think I’ve “discovered” is this: when you place sex as the determining factor of the relationship, it will probably result in poor sex. Think about it. If you put your sexual relationship under a microscope, always judging it and judging the relationship by it, it’s doomed to fail. It’s like being in prison. You’re locked in to something that is supposed to be freeing, not incapacitating.

But, when you focus on the other parts of the relationship & the sex isn’t the focus, then you’re freed up to have a more enjoyable sex life, with no pressure of having to make it always spectacular (because it won’t be.) And yet, I don’t think that as a college-age adult I was capable of not focusing on sex, that is, unless it wasn’t present at all. That’s why I think it’s best to wait altogether.

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141 comments

  1. Thanks for this piece my friend. My f and I read it together and made our decision regarding the subject matter. We feel happy.

  2. Thanks for your wise words,we ladies at times need to know your perspective of these matter as men.merci,once again.God bless.

  3. Sex is what you are, not what you do. Most whoremongers have no religious upbringing, and the whores who go along with them, have none also.

    Harry

    1. It’s really not our place to judge others who do not live to the same standard as we do. Ours is only to be there to help pick up the pieces when their way of living doesn’t work out.

  4. To me, what i have learn’t is that, ‘Seeing all your friends getting married, is just like watching them be in battle’…

  5. Thanks for this post it’s a really great summary of what benefits there can be to waiting.
    I’m currently in the position of waiting till marriage before continuing our sexual relationship. We decided to stop having sex and wait until we got married as an act of obedience to God, neither of us really wanted to stop but it’s pretty clearly written in the Bible that it’s a for marriage thing. It’s not an easy decision, the world is set up to encourage us to fall into sin and will only too readliy support us in it. But i’ve noticed ever growing gains since we stopped. Although we both miss the physical closeness (and it’s more than just sex you stop, because you have to stand a way back from the line to stand a chance of not crossing it!) i’ve noticed a marked increase in willpower in disparate areas of my life as well as finding it easier to feel closer to Jesus, my relationship with him is in a much better state now than it ever has been before.

  6. Wow – very insightful and clearly communicated! You managed to articulate things that I feel on some level but haven’t ever been able to necessarily put into words. Thanks – I’ll share this…

  7. i hve read everything you wrote…my question is, if sex causes so much emptiness premaritally, what proof do you habe tht it will be fulfiling in marriage?
    sex is sex.
    whether in marriage or out of it!
    what if a man who has never had sex marries a woman who has had lot of it and she begins to do things very pleasing to him, will he refuse to enjoy it since she didnt learn it from him?
    many people go into marriage thinking that sex is all that, only to realise tht they just added one more to their list of chores…
    today’s society has inherited a lot of closed mindedness which has led to repressed sexuality. the sexual revolution is just an expression of the freedom from all those years of taboo…the hype will die down eventually but the truth remains that if we do not get the right infomation on how to do the job right, sex life even in marriage can be a struggle.
    marriages are in turmoil because partners are pretending and the mindset of taboo still holds sway. couples are shy to talk about what pleases them because they dont want the other to see them as being too experienced or wayward…
    sex is sex!
    if a couple who no longer understand eachother or are out of touch have sex, the result will still b the same as an unmarried couple who dont love eachother…
    if you wil be honest with yourself and stop beating yourself up you may see that you are at some advantage…you now know what u like!
    on your honeymoon night, will u please your woman like someone with a know-how or will you act like its your first time.
    my advise to everyone is, if you have indulged in premarital sex, there’s no need to act like its the end of the world cos if you do, you will ne overcome by so much regret and sorrow that you may ever be able to achieve anything meaningful with your life, keep your head up and act wisely!

    1. I think you’re focusing too much on the how to do it part and that’s not what sex is all about. Like he said, relationships should be more than just physical intimacy and if you build these other parts then waiting till marriage will be more fulfilling. The reason most marriages fail is because people focus too much on sex and marriage has got to be more than just that. No, sex is not just sex, genuine love between a man and a woman is never sufficiently expressed in mere sexual intercourse, because what love longs for is a union not just of bodies but of souls.

    2. I think you’re focusing too much on how to do it and that is not what the above article is about. Like the author said, there’s more to a relationship than just physical intercourse and if you can’t focus on that before you get married then you will only focus on sex and a marriage cannot be built on sex only. The ones that are eventually end up breaking. Sex is not just sex. Genuine love between a man and a woman is never sufficiently expressed in mere sexual intercourse, because what love longs for is a union not just of bodies but of souls. If one cannot wait till marriage then what they longing for is merely self fulfillment but not the good of the other and that is why there’s the emptiness.

  8. ps- have you ever considered that many of the divorced couple today remarry? some of them married as virgins you know! if one were to imagine how one’s new partner was with their ex, then nobody would remarry divorcees…

  9. no offense, but this is a load of sh*t. This guy is speaking strictly from personal experience and the only support he has is ‘i’ve seen this happen to all of my friends’. He obviously has issues and is analyzing them in a very specific way…. It’s very simple: sex, whether premarital or marital will get old and boring- just like everything else in life. Then people get greedy and think they need something more or different-hence the # of partners increase. Now, with marriage, you are locked in. If you are an honorable person you will stay faithful and stick to your one partner, if not, you will venture out, hence- cheat. Yes, it is true that people of eastern and older cultures, who don’t have sex premaritally and/or have less experience have more ‘successful’ marriages. But you can say that about anything. A person without money, doesn’t know what its like to live with certain luxuries, and therefore won’t crave or expect it as a poor man. Same goes for sex. The more you have of something, your expectation for satisfaction increases, and by that very nature you become unhappy and think you need something different, and the whole thing repeats itself. Timing of when that thing is obtained, be it sex, money,fame, etc, is irrelevant. This analysis is extremely unsophisticated. The guy is clearly drawing an unintellectual analysis and lacks insight into substantial theories of human nature/life/world. Maybe he should read a few books. Maybe marxism is a good start…

    1. whoa,the article doesnt need a philosopher to verify it,this is common sense that any adult would understand.If anything all that wisdom is useless if its not practical. Experience is kinda the best teacher. Different people have different value systems that don’t depend on money or lack of it.

    2. This was a great comment in that it opened up another perspective on this topic. However, one line stuck out to me: “Timing of… sex, money, fame, etc. is irrelevant.” I believe timing means everything for all of these things. Making your fortune at 15 vs. 50 (or even 30) makes a difference. Substitute fame, sex, success, education, children, relationships, alcohol, a mortgage…. the list goes on. Christianity aside, the maturity we develop before such things are obtained/experienced will determine how we value and maintain them. If I give my body to someone before I know what it means to give my life to someone, my view of sex will undoubtedly be different than if I had waited. Similarly, if I make a man wait for me, the sex we have as husband and wife, will be treated differently than if I were just his girlfriend. Not only will we truly see all of each other (spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, etc.), but, as mature spouses, we’ll know exactly how to use sex to make the best of our relationship. Someone mentioned that the mechanical knowledge of sex is to be appreciated. I don’t wholeheartedly disagree. Experience is great & practice makes almost perfect, but I can respond by saying that even if a child knows exactly how to spend $100 (i.e. go to the store, look around, shop for the best price, use a coupon, get a warranty…), he or she can’t know the possibilities or true power/role of that $100, because they are still a child and their inexperience, not their age (not despising youth over here lol), will dictate that. Just like spending money before you know what it means to work for it, sex before the commitment of marriage probably feels GREAT, but, by definition, will always be taken for granted.

  10. Kipsang, you have done a good job of breaking down what is in actual fact a spiritual experience which many of us have previously mistakenly analysed as a physical act. Well done!

  11. I teach a Jr. High Girls Bible Study and am very thankful for this article. I intend to quote from it to teach the girls that there are men out there willing to wait. Thanks so much for this!

  12. this is a very inspirational article,if i most comment.u see,i hv always been worried-sick abt dis sex issue,dis is bcuz hv neva enjoyed a stable relatnship cuz wen guyz get 2 know 4 sure dat am not gonna slip wif dem,dey jst walk.i’ve bin having double mind abt dis issue,but now am so convinced am going 2 wait till after marriage.thanks a trillion 4 dis piece.

  13. I wish every person in the world would read this.As i read this so many things ran in my mind.Why people say they love each other but still cant wait?why a girl got to loose herself because of a one night thing?why a boy would have sex and at the end brag about it to his friends?I take Sex as a gift from God.Its supposed to be taken seriously and should not be misused.It should be done with the “one” your going to spend the rest of your life with.And one should excercise PATIENCE till that day comes.As for me this has impacted my life more positively.Am glad i got to read it.
    Continue with the good work micheal*

  14. Great article however I think its not as simple as you make it out to be. Irresponsible sex, even in marriage, has its consequences. For 99% of men, sex makes the relationship worth the trouble so it is very important to discover how compatible you are and hopefully build each others sex capacity before you commit to something as terminal as a marriage. I would be livid to discover I have a horrible non-compatible sex partner after I’ve sworn in a Church in-front of hundreds of people to remain faithful. Sexual experience also teaches men that women are really not a big deal. Sex always comes with tons of emotional baggage and the less the baggage you have the better you are. That is why men slow down on the number of women they want to be with as they grow older, it’s simply not worth it. This is the one thing that can only be learnt by experience. Plus religion really messed up the way people look at sex, its not evil or sacred or unclean. Its just nuts and bolts biology

  15. The guy who says sex is sex whether in marriage or not is misleading people.
    The classical example given is this:
    “Take some manure in a container, go to your kitchen, pour half of it on your kitchen floor and half on your kitchen garden. Two places, separated by less than 1 metre, but the effect of the manure is completely different. It dirtifies and disgusts if poured on your kitchen floor, but causes your garden to blossom and brings life in it.”
    That is the same thing with sex…depending on when you engage in it, it can either destroy you or build you…context is everything.

  16. very well put. very insightful. very true. told from the heart.
    i salute you for confirming the image put out by the media is a lie. i think people fear speaking out coz they think something is wrrong with them coz it didn’t go how it usually does in the movies.
    u r a true discipler.
    i’m affirmed to keep waiting…. the act and even in my mind.

    mucho blessings!

  17. good piece. really interesting perspective.
    don’t bash the man’s opinion. lead your life as you see fit. hopefully the bashers in the comments section don’t discourage you from writing. keep it up

  18. Thanks for a powerful piece of mind on love and sex..i am amongst the many guys who have experienced love hangover!..in fact i was wantering if this the case if i’ll ever settle in marriage because of the hangover..but you’ve given me insight..now i do understand more on the topic!

  19. Godz using u 2 teach this generation a very important lesson..i’v never had sex but i always believe in learning 4rm other people’s experience

  20. Pre-marital sex, I believe was coined during our parents’ time when they used to get married at age 21 or 22, or earlier. Nowadays people get married between the ages 28-35. I would find it hard to wait that long to have my first sexual experience.
    Besides, you have your best sex in your 20s and when dating, ask any married person. It was spontaneous and fun, all styles, all positions. Marriage comes with its stresses. Loans, kids, bills, fees, work, relatives, second degrees etc, sex suffers. Chris Hart the renowned relationship psychologist, once said we are having LESS sex than our grand parents did!
    Sometimes I wonder how sex would have been if I had waited. I wonder how sex is for my married friends who waited. I guess I’d never know.
    I have a lady friend who had multiple partners before she met her husband. He was a virgin, he waited until wedding night. Now she lives with regret, they are sexually incompatible. He cannot perform, she is frustrated. She is stuck.
    All in all, whether you chose to wait or not, it is your choice.

  21. Thanks alot, i watched Andy Stanley’s “New Rules for dating, sex and Marriage’ It was so motivational, i made up my mind to wait till marriage. Thank you for the piece

  22. I must say bravo to kipsang.well done and said. I have never dated a man who wants 2wait until marriage. I am waiting and I would want all young people 2wait.men please help ladies by waiting. I wil nt marry a man for sex but because of love. For those who r challenging this check out ur conscious’ must b dead.kipsang am blessed n I wil wait despite the past painful experiences,pressure n short pleasures that come with premarital sex. Preach it in the whole world.a message worthy preaching.GOD BLESS U

  23. Such wisdom. Thank you for the candid post.

    I would like to say a few things though after reading through the comments.

    Premarital sex is not a term coined by our parents, it is there in the Bible. The Bible is timeless and has been relevant to all generations from the most barbaric to we, who call ourselves liberalized and it will continue to be relevant to those who will come after us. And the good thing with the Lord, He gave us free will but He is clear on the consequences of not following his will.

    Another thing, the emptiness you talk about, it is not an alien concept. Many have felt it but we rationalise it by saying maybe what we have aint the best, maybe we need variety or more and we live with ourselves just fine. I am glad you found the truth in the midst of it all. I don’t think your resolve is easy but it can be done.

    Finally, sex is not sex. Premarital sex is a sin and sex within marriage is sanctified. I don’t think we need any other theory on that one.

  24. Nice article. But we must remember that today, relationship are on so many levels and sex being one of them has it’s part to play. True waiting might work…….but imagine if you are both virgins…..how does that work out….? We are marrying at ages our parents would have considered a taboo during their time……men 30+yrs women when they have settled in their career paths…with all these factors at play, waiting becomes hard to justify…..!

    But then again…………..that is just my opinion…the final decision rests with the individual.

  25. You highlight alot of good points but i feel you are really reaching in some of them. You are simply a christian man trying to justify your decision for abstinence and I believe in the process might have inadvertently told some untruths in your version of what your experience has been!

  26. You think like me and it has really helped me think on my own level and even if I am not sexually active and even not in a relationship, I now have a re-enforced feeling and reason of why I should wait and play it right. Definitely timeless! If I would have read this when you wrote it, I think some things would be different.

  27. I agree on why u need to wait, I love the fact that u have used personal experience, but I will tell u, for that same reason sex felt like nothing at that point, it is for the same reason u wait that it will be right in its right place, in Marriage… Because it was designed to be n Marriage. But not for the reasons of pleasure as sex designed, that is the last reason…

  28. Wow! Sex really isn’t as big a deal as many people make it as I’ve seen from previous comments, marriage is A LOT more than sex! You said it can ruin relationships, well it can ruin marriages too! Putting a ring on a finger doesn’t change a man and woman from being human! What I think is that sex is sacred, and should be treated as such by only doing it with the one you love and being faithful, whether in marriage or not.

    1. True,,,,this i agree with you Patricia, sex is good if the two will love each other and agree to have it whether in marriage or outside mariage. What is the problem if the two will be contented with whatever they do?

  29. Whether we like it or not, sex was instituted for marriage. God, the author of life, has laid down rules concerning sex not to keep us from enjoying it but to ensure we experience sex in the fullest and in the longest period of time in the context of marriage. it is for our own good.
    The choice is all yours.
    Choose life.

  30. Splendid, just splendid!Sex is over rated and given too much attention. It is time we changed our view on things or rather it is time we thought about things rather than let the media feed us in lotsa of garbage. Kipsang, thank you very much. God bless you

  31. All men and women cjui need to print this out and pin it to th wal. Unfortunaly some are too foolish not to even read this. Sex is a must.stupid if u donot have sex wil u die. Ion this post needs a medal. Wel put.

  32. Wow is all i can say.. I wish all men had search a perspective of sex.. It would reduce the sex b4 marriages n wait for the ryt time which is God’s tym..

  33. Coming from a man, KUDOS!! There’s hope for this & the next generation. Keep telling the truth like it is brother. You owe yourself, our Maker & the world that. And don’t worry too much about the naysayers, this is for their good also

  34. Awesome we need more of this articles to be shown to people in order for them to understand what sex is all about en not what it should be

  35. now,this is an interestin read….*of PERSONAL reactions 2 a situation* @Tima, MMK & Patricia above got a point mayn!!gimmi scientific proof dats totaly undeniable,n ama side wid dat read!!tel me religiously wrong….al side wid dat,but ol dat ada vyb,ah ain buyin it 4 tha fact dat U cudnt maintain yo buzz *if u knw wot ah mean!don get me wrong,am not tryna bash dis coz,its UR opinion n no1 can touch dat,but don use it as a fact on lyf-based vyb yet errbudy b different!fil me? N lukin at #3….dats enuff reason 2 bring it bakk coz smebudy smewea b breakin-off ur ‘future wife’!! theaz so much ad seh bowt dis buh lemmi leave it thurr widowt lukin mo lyk a basher….ah blii u get ma point!

  36. I thank God for kind of teachng and training please they are for a great help in my ministry Church here in East Africa kiambu kenya,pliz send many teaching for me,many families are breaking everyday.God Bless

  37. I thank God for kind of teachng and training please they are for a great help in my ministry Church here in East Africa kiambu kenya,pliz send many teaching for me via this email mbiyumoses1972@gmail.com, many families are breaking everyday.God Bless

  38. If you can put into practice all that you profess in this post, then you are very wise. Very noble assessment of a sticky issue indeed. But the real challenge is to actually hold out and not have sex. That, as you may very well know, can defy logic and reason.

    I am very married and I know the difference. It is best to wait and those of you that are, you will not regret.

    Sex is a big deal, that is why you must wait. There is a price for getting something before it’s season.

    WAIT my people, WAIT.

  39. I have been thinking about becoming celibate for some time now and now i realize that it is realistic! I’m so worried that i won’t be able to find a man that respects my decision or that i will find a man that says that he’s going to wait but sleeps around behind my back! Men our so mysterious but i am willing to be patient and wait for my Mr.Right instead of Mr.Right Now! This was a great article Kipsang! Do one from a womans perspective!

    1. I have been celibate for 16 yrs. it is often a topic of conversation with men and my opportunity to minister. Most men ask why a “beautiful, successful woman like myself could be single” so I tell them. Jesus is my first love and my desire is to please him. I don’t miss the heartache that comes with dating men who only want sex. The man that God sends to me will welcome the idea that he has a wife that hasn’t been played over and who’s mind is in tact. He will know that he has a woman of great quality and great faith! It’s takes the grace of God to carry this out but you will be amazed at what He can do and the level of respect you get because of it!

      Try it! Better yet, try Jesus! Only He can sustain you:)
      Blessings to you in this journey!

  40. Reblogged this on THE ISLAND JOURNAL and commented:
    Some wait for sex… Why? There’s a saying that goes, “The best plan is to profit by the folly of others…” That’s what this article is about. I want to share with you a few things I’ve learned — the hard way — concerning girls & relationships. Specifically, I’ve jotted down eight reasons why I’m now waiting until marriage to have sex…

    1) I now know that sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be…

    During my sexpades in high school & a bit in campus, I remember having an experience that I referred to as a “love hangover.” After being with a girl, the next morning I always felt an emptiness. I was so empty & almost suicidal. Media told me sex was the in thing & that i would get fulfillment. WHAT A BUNCH OF LIARS!!! That’s something you won’t see on TV or in the movies, but it happens a lot. There was emptiness, even regret, afterwards.

  41. If your really smart you won’t get married at all otherwise in a few years you’ll be blogging about how you lost everything – your children – home and financial security in a divorce.

  42. Waiting until marriage seems a bit harder in modern times, considering that back when the bible was first written it was normal for people to get married as teenagers. Whereas in today’s world a normal age to be married would be around 30-35. Not to say anything about the over-hyped media…

  43. Wow, this is a great article. I’m a 30 year virgin (female) and I was just curious to see what men thought about waiting until marriage for sex. I think it has been stated beautifully here and I like the line about “what’s manly about decieving a woman”. I’ve wonder about this ideaolgy that is so ingrained in popular culture and it just never makes sense to me. Absolute resect and devotion between two people is how it was meant to been from the beginning of time. It’s perfect. I am still looking for a man who is waiting and God willing I’ll find him.

    1. Serena well done o! happy waiting! @ Mitty; see how your mind works? you are comparing sex to manure…SMH @ you. are you sure you won’t still be viewing sex as sin after marriage? Sex is not something dirty like manure. Half the times married ppl have sex, its because they want to enjoy it! Many of them still feel used or that their partners are perverts even within marriage!
      Many couples can’t use their mouths on each other cos they feel God doesn’t like it. They allow sex to be a brain thing and not a feeling thing.
      The minute you allow your brain get in the way of your emotions, you begin to have serious problems in bed!
      Be honest with your spouses!

      so far, no one has answered my questions. for those of you who have had sex already, will you bring those skill to the bedroom on wedding night or you’ll pretend to be a novice? what do you think will happen to a married couple who have mad love for each other and the bedroom is not sizzling and neither is willing to pleasure the other except for missionary style? People get real! you may decide to wait but that doesn’t erase the experiences you had. get real with your partners, tell the truth and let them benefit from your experience and your marriages will be the better for it. pretending will cost you more energy and your marriage. You’ll find yourself attending more crusades, vigils and prayer meetings to solve problems that communication can avoid.
      as for the ladies, shine your eyes! no man with Madonna-whore syndrome will give you good sex in marriage, instead they will cheat on you. if there’s something you like, let your spouse know! If they want to wait, by all means respect that. But let them understand that you are ready to teach them how to please you and to go all the way to make them happy too. That’s love!

      If your sex life in marriage is struggling, its your fault! Its because you are not being open and honest with your partner because of fear of being judged!
      Even if you both decide to wait, talk about sex and how you enjoy it. God doesn’t punish anyone for having sex before marriage, only for infidelity in marriage. That’s the only ground upon which divorce is approved by God! Think about it!

      1. I am a 25 year old single male virgin. I’m going to be very blunt honest with you in an attempt to answer your questions and to give you insight from a differing perspective.

        I am a virgin from the standpoint of intercourse. However, I have unfortunately participated in oral sex before. Whether that makes me a virgin in your eyes or not, I don’t know but I say that to say I have had experience in almost everything but sex.

        Reading your post, you seem to be on the topic of performance and sexual hang ups. That’s fine and it’s a real problem (especially in the Christian community) but it is divergent from what we are talking about. There are very real reasons to not have sex before marriage and this post outlined many of those.

        On the topic of performance and sexual hangups, I can tell you for a fact that I regret everything I’ve ever done with a woman, yes, even kissing. They felt great and amazing at the time but it wasn’t worth it. Having “experience” definitely wasn’t worth it. I think you’re looking at the enjoyment of sex and sexual acts from the physical aspect of how good it’s going to feel to the pleasure center of your brain. Yeah, I imagine it feels amazing if my past has taught me anything but the part that’s missing is the emotional and spiritual bond that’s formed. Talk to couples that are having real sex and they’ll tell you that the emotional and spiritual bond is overwhelming and much more enjoyable than the physical part, although that feels great too (isn’t it awesome to be able to participate in an act such as sex where the immensely pleasurable physical part is the lesser of the benefits). When approaching it from this vantage, you can see how two virgins, who obviously have never had sex, will enjoy sex more than the average couple even though they are going to be “bad” at it (from a relative perspective). They waited their entire lives just for that one person and are going to experience that intense feeling of spiritual and emotional bonding. Imagine how it will be when they get the motion down!

        Performance is such a major topic today because it’s in your face. You read all these articles about “69 great ways to have great sex” (pun intended) and people at school and in the cubicles are all talking about great sex and how to have it and it’s all based on performance. Because of this, it’s at the forefront of your mind and it’s the only component to sex. Why isn’t anyone talking about the emotional and spiritual aspect? Because this is happening outside of marriage and there is no emotional or spiritual aspect for obvious reason (from a Christian perspective). Why aren’t Christians that are married talking about it? Well, actually, they are. It’s just not going to make the headlines in the gossip column. There are plenty of books (and even pretty racy books depending on your view) by Christians on sex. I encourage you to pick one up not because it will convert you (because it probably won’t) but just to get an outside perspective. Sex isn’t about performance, there’s so much more.

        I think that about wraps up performance.

        Now onto sexual hangups. Yes, the church has played a great part in degrading sex. However, that is the fault of the church and the fault of incomplete teachings. The bible doesn’t mirror the inhibitive attitude that the church use to take toward sex. Read the Song of Solomon. The book is a poem between a newly wedded husband and his wife. It’s pretty graphic and talks a lot about their experiences together and goes into detail. It even talks about oral sex. The woman also talks about letting her lover have his “choice fruits”. That’s a woman that has happily accepted her sexual self. Even Paul tells couples to regularly come together to have sex so that Satan can’t come between them. The bible promotes sex. The bible promotes things you would probably be astonished over.

        Sex is not a shameful act, it’s something to be enjoyed, celebrated, discovered, and explored but only in marriage. I agree with you that these hangups need to be dealt with and you’ll be happy to know that many churches are actually now addressing the issue. Have sex with your wife, have oral sex with her, try different positions, let her know what you like and let her feel comfortable enough to open up about what she likes. Communication is key. A point that you made in your post.

        Also, another point I would like to make. Sexual hangups have a wide variety of origins. Sexual baggage from another relationship, sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse…just abuse, misinformation, shame. Also remember, many virgins have to make the flip from “don’t have sex” to “hit that” in one night. That’s a lot to process. There are many reasons that we have these sexual hangups, not just one and all need to be dealt with and hopefully will be.

        I want to leave you with something. I think people may have portrayed that if you wait until marriage to have sex, you’re guaranteed great sex. That’s simply just not true. I can guarantee you won’t have great sex out of marriage but I can’t guarantee you will inside of it. Why? Just because you got married doesn’t mean all of the elements to a successful sex life are there. That’s one element but you also have to have things such as love, trust, respect. Most people getting married don’t completely trust one another or completely love one another. Maybe they get married because they’re lonely, feel obligated, are misinformed, I really don’t know. But I look at most couples and from the way they interact with one another, they are missing a few of those factors. I mentioned earlier that sex is more about the spiritual and emotional parts than the physical. If you are mad or upset with your spouse, don’t trust, respect, or love them, your sex is going to suck. It’s just a fact. When your relationship is on point and all the bases are covered, your sex life will flourish.

        To conclude, performance takes a back seat to emotional and spiritual pleasure in sex. You can’t have a great sex life outside of marriage but aren’t guaranteed one inside of marriage either. Marriage is one component for great sex, not the recipe.

        I hope I answered your questions. If not, feel free to respond or you can email me at madvladchad@gmail.com because the chances of me looking at this blog again are pretty slim. I hope I helped provide a dissenting opinion, if nothing else. Written in love, brother. Good luck.

  44. I am engaged to a man whom I have been seeing for almost two years. We have not had sex or anything even close LOL so this article is relevant! Thank you for your insight.

    In spite of my past history of getting intimate way too soon, I am very happy to wait till my wedding night. It gives me something to look forward to.

  45. By way of feeling good, we feature a piece by young Kenyan man who shares his views on why he chooses to wait for the right woman to have sex. Reprinted with permission from here

  46. Coming from a 20-year-old female college student, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this article. “It’s a funny thing: our culture decries adultery, yet it freely condones premarital sex, even with multiple partners. That’s ironic. Because, if you take the element of time out of the equation, premarital sex is adultery.” As I do not consider myself religious, it is extremely difficult to find men with similar morals regardless of religious affiliation. Many past relationships have tried to convince me that I’m looking for something that simply doesn’t exist anymore, but I’m determined to stay true to myself. Whether or not I end up with another virgin, it’s very refreshing to know this mentality does indeed exist.

  47. Clearly am in the wrong blog. Since I take it very badly when someone am sincere with gets insincere with me, I quite simply do not subscribe to the marriage thing.

    By your leave now. . . .

  48. What? I was going to write a detail counter argument, based around the fact that your first point is fundamentally flawed – you shouldn’t feel unfulfilled if you fuck your girlfriend, but instead you say you feel unfulfilled that you are fucking a bunch of random birds. No shit. But I digress. Here is my new argument: Shut up you faggot.

    1. You’re telling me you feel fulfilled with sex outside of marriage? I would disagree with that and if you took a full inventory of your conscious, emotional self I believe you would as well but since you more than likely won’t, let’s take another tact.

      Do you care and love your girlfriend? An easy way to test this is to ask yourself if she wanted to stop having sex, would you do it? If you think you would, then I challenge you to ask her how she feels about having sex outside of marriage. Ask her if she feels fulfilled. If she’s telling you the truth, I imagine she’ll say she doesn’t.

  49. If you should focus too much on sex,it will be a problem…let’s say your gf or wife is gone to educate herself in a next country for about a year what will happen then?if you focus on it u dont have the ability to keep the relationship alive,for it is focused too much on sex…i mean if you are only busy with the physical part…you won’t have experienced the emotional ,mental and spiritual part of the relationship….i already had sex a bunch of times out of marriage with the same girl im with now ,my girlfriend,but after reading this,ithink it is worth the waiting….

  50. I am relieved to see someone my age who recognizes the reasons and benefits of waiting for marriage. I am currently a virgin and was just looking for encouragement when I found this insightful piece. So, thank you for the logical reasoning you formulated which is helping me put things in perspective. I hope this article spreads far and wide as more people, in my opinion, should read it.
    THANK YOU!

  51. Thanks for writing this! I am very encouraged. I just turned 23 and I’ve been waiting. It is very difficult but I do value the traditional notion of a wedding night, the honeymoon, and then a whole life in which to explore sexuality with someone you love.

    The thing that discourages me most is the idea that my future wife didn’t wait for marriage. It discourages me but I realize this is a selfishness. Me saving myself should be about giving myself to her, not expecting something in return. Still, I can’t help but worry. A wedding night (and then a marriage) where both partners waited…must be so amazing and beautiful, even if the sex needs to be practiced a few times. It would be beautiful to explore God’s amazing gift with someone who has an equally blank slate.

  52. Nice to hear your thoughts from a man’s perspective. I do know of the love hangover. Been there, and that’s why I hope to wait until marriage. I have been practicing abstinence for over three years now!

  53. Well this gave me some hope. I am a 33 year old female virgin wanting to wait till marriage. Your post is very well written and I admire you for writing it. It is also nice to know that there are a few guys out there that understand my viewpoints.

  54. Reblogged this on My Blog and commented:
    I read this back in 2012 after I had written a post on casual sex “The story of 20 toes told in twenty minutes.” Today as I went back to read the post in which I had linked to this blog, I’m compelled to re-blog the entire article. Its holds truths that every woman and man should be privy to and confirms my blog post on “The story of 20 toes told in twenty minutes.”

  55. Sigh…same old trope as always… Women only want closeness and intimacy. Men only want sex. As a woman, I love having sex. And gasp!!! I have had great casual sex that didn’t make me feel used like “piece of scotch tape”. This stuff is so damaging to young woman who are just as sexual as young men. But our sexuality gets twisted and distorted by religion and patriarchal ideals in society. Lighten up kid. Sex is great, but it takes practice.

  56. Good to know there are guys… Or at least one guy… out there that doesn’t mind waiting until marriage. I did things your way and now I am abstaining, but it is so difficult sometimes. Some guys make it seem like sex is the end all be all of relationships and that a marriage couldn’t possibly work if we don’t rock each other’s world in the sack. Thanks for the article bro!

  57. I love this and I thank god for this opportunity to read this. My beginning of my relationship was all about sex and I hated that empty feeling this guy was awesome though we both shared and had the same values but for some reason sex was always number 1 in our relationship till it got old and empty then we broke up then we got back together and our relationship is so much better we are closer than ever were both strong into church and have god in our relationship which is great and everything is coming together we may have our ups and downs but we still manage readying your story is great and had me in tears hope all is well thank you

  58. God said to wait. That’s a good reason. The rest of the stuff you said is not. Me and my wife were virgins when we got married. Now I live in a sexless marriage. What hell it is.

  59. As a marriage and family that has counseled thousands of individuals and couples I totally agree with this article. Well said!

  60. Thank you for this. I recently made a Facebook status saying that I didn’t believe premarital sex was wrong. And I told the girl that I want to date that I didn’t believe it was wrong…And it made things extremely complicated…And to be honest I would love to marry this woman…But she wants to wait and she wants someone who has their own convictions and commitment to waiting….And I want to be with her…..So I am now educating myself on the preMartital sex and learning why it is better to wait till marriage….So once again thank you for this.

  61. Thank you for this article. My boyfriend sent me an email yesterday saying this “when you say wait you don’t mean until marriage do you.” My reply to this was “I guess I’m worth waiting for , but not too long. I don’t have to try before I buy with you. I know the sex will be amazing. I guess you don’t want me anymore. If you think you can do better then I release you to go do that. I won’t compromise on this.” I haven’t received a reply to my email yet, but if he rejects me then I’ll find better. Sex before marriage is a waste of time for me now. I’m an valuable and worth the wait.

  62. Thank you so much for going into detail about this topic and being very honest:)) I have been married for 11 years and have to say that I believe you are 100% on center with what happens in the human mind when pre marital sex takes place…waiting for the true relationship to develop before the physical aspect is ideal.Because what happens between the sheets can totally blind you to realizing that the only thing good between the both of you is between the sheets..hence,too many years wasted hoping that maybe “one day” you will both be really happy together..

  63. This is so absolutely true, and thank you for sharing a guy’s perspective. I just broke up with a guy because he couldn’t wait. It did exactly what you say it does, killed my trust for him. He knew I wanted to wait and that it severely distressed me whenever we engaged in it, and kept on doing it (he was fighting against it and would succeed for a while but it never lasted). I just thought, if he can’t respect me enough to control himself and protect me in something so important before marriage, how on earth is he going to do so after marriage? I loved him, and I think he loved me, but it destroyed our relationship. He’s a new Christian and I think wants to change, but I’m leaving him to God. I really want the best for him, but I couldn’t stay anymore. God really does say this for a reason…wait, you won’t regret it.

  64. See im looking at this from the opposite side. I did have sex with my now wife shortly before our marriage but I have never had sex with anyone else. We dated from the time we were 16 till about 25 when we finally were married. We made mistakes and fooled around but only had sex a few times about a year before marriage. I love her and respect her and would never hurt her or leave her but from our wedding night on sex had never been what I though it would be . We have been married for 3 years and despite being in our mid twenties I feel like we are in our 50’s as far as sex is concerned. We have sex maybe twice a month if we are lucky and when we do more often than not its mechanical. She rarely seems passionate when we are having sex and even though I have talked with her about it a lot she doesn’t seem to do anything about it. She says she loves me and is attracted but it doesn’t feel that way I feel regected but when I try to make advances she catches on quick and shuta it down. I’m in the military so I’m gone often but when I’m home I make sure she knows she is important to me I don’t hang out with friends or go out but instead focus on her and what she needs to feel loved. I don’t feel as if she rejects sex because she isn’t feeling loved so I can’t get over why she doesn’t feel compelled to make me feel loved. I don’t know if I’m just being selfish about this but I don’t feel as of I am. I know god has a reason for us to remain abstained but I feel slighted none the less. While all my friends had sexcapades growing up I kept waiting and so did she I feel like now we should be able to reap the fruits of our labor but its not going that way. I suppose I’m looking for some Christian advice so if you have any to spare I’d appreciate it.

  65. Who are you? Where are you ? This is the most admirable and truthful piece I have ever read about the benefits of waiting till marriage in today’s society. It’s amazing to me that you have given so much thought to this and have given it recognition to change your life instead of ignoring it.

  66. Hey, I stumbled upon this article after a google search, and I have to say it’s very interesting, as a 24yr old woman waiting till marriage I don’t know if I can relate ( still a virgin). However I do have one question, I think I might know the answer but I’m asking just to see if I’m correct. For your point #5, where you said after the man starts having sex with the woman before marriage and he starts losing respect for her. Is it because they had sex outside of marriage orz? Like since he was able to get sex from her without a commitment (e.g. marriage, engagement), he just thinking of her as less or is it something else? I’m confused here.

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